an open letter to the landlords of toronto.

i rarely rant on the blog, but after a not-so-successful apartment hunt this weekend, please indulge me.

ahem.

an open letter to the landlords of toronto:

can we just agree to be upfront with each other? you tell me what you’re actually offering, and i’ll give you my list of demands. sounds simple, non? first things first, let’s start with your listing. let’s not embellish, okay? because we both know that once i’m there to see the place, i’m going to see what a dirty liar you are. this includes but is not limited to:

apartment location – don’t tell me its the second floor, when it’s really the fourth. chances are i’m going to count the landings as i try to catch my breath while climbing all the stairs. oh, and i highly doubt that nobody has ever “complained about trying to get a couch” up here. because i’ve got a protractor and these angles are ridiculous.

remodeled bathroom – please note: if there is a blue/pink/green tub/sink/toilet in your apartment, this cannot be considered remodeled. these things were stylish in the 70s and maybe the 80s, and have not yet come back around. same is true for tiles. if your bathroom is fitted with tiles with flowers/angels/any other random weird shit pictured on them, it is not remodeled.

renovated kitchen – you might see where i’m going with the one. it’s actually a lot like my bathroom complaint. if your appliances are yellow, green, or that horrible, horrible brown from the 60s, it is not renovated. it’s just ugly.

cozy – please substitute with ‘ridiculously small’.

character – this is not a word to be used instead of 'shithole'. please take note.

pets – please explain why, oh why, cats are allowed in your apartments but not dogs. it is much harder to get rid of the smell of a cat. trust. and my dog is sweet. and old. and lazy. and really just wants to sleep. why cant you just let him sleep?

photos – okay, i understand. you need to make the place look good. i get it. but let’s not make a total mockery of online viewing here, okay? it’s one thing to show me a pic of a gorgeous renovated kitchen...but quite another to not show me the other side of the kitchen...which is where the washer and dryer are. really? a washer and a dryer? in plain sight in the kitchen? so what? i can stir my pot and then fold my clothes? great. and while we’re at it...what is with all the bizarre locations for the washer and dryer? i mean ensuite is nice...but in the kitchen or bathroom? that's just plain weird.

i think you'll see, that if you just follow these simple rules, we can save ourselves a lot of time. and a lot of streetcar mileage.

and now, on to my list of demands. if you have anything that fits my criteria, i’m in. let’s make a deal. it’s easy, really. guidelines below.

no carpets – let’s face it. you don’t know what’s trapped in them. and i sure as hell don’t want to find out. no parquet floors – because jenga should never be used to make flooring. no gallery-style kitchens – i want to be able to open the stove without it hitting the cabinetry across from it. enough said. no small bedrooms – if i can’t fit my queen-size mattress in there. its a no-go. storage is a must – i’m sorry, but i have a lot of christmas decorations, that need to go somewhere.

that’s it. i’m not looking for much, right? ;)